TIME DOES NOT HELP

People tell you after a loved one dies, that time will help with the loss. They lie. It does not help. My mom died almost 20 months ago and never does a day go by that I don't cry. It still hurts as much today as it did 20 months ago. I try my best to pretend that I'm ok, but the heartache is always present.


 I still cannot go to the cemetary without crying. We had my mom's headstone placed about a month ago. It felt like a dagger went through my heart when I stood at her grave 2 weeks ago and saw her name engraved in granite. My mom's baby brother died exactly 19 months to the day my mom died and being at his funeral was like reliving my mom's death all over again. It was all I could do to sit through the service. I bolted for the door as soon as I could. I felt like I could just scream from the pain and loss.


Sometimes I sit and look at my girls and wish my mom could see them again. To see how well they are. She would be on cloud 9 telling people about how Marley is the #1 dog in AR. She loved her grand dogs so much. She used to call to check and see if Molly was out on 'patrol' or if Missy was window watching. She would have loved Kalea-Kate....she's just so full of life!


Time does not help.

BUBBLE WRAP

We are 5 days from the MCKC agility trial in Tulsa. Marley has been healthy lately and I am so hopeful she stays that way. I feel like I need to wrap her in bubble wrap to keep her well until the trial.She is getting absolutely no free time in the front yard, as she tends to play hard and is more apt to hurt herself.

I have not gotten Marley's needle aspirate results yet. They told me they would call me when they come in and I have been patient and not called the vet.....it has been hard for me not to call everyday. I check the mass every day and it has not changed in size or density.

I took Marley with me to a private agility lesson last week. Marley surprised me as that it was getting warm and she worked really well for me. She was moving, listening, and actually trying. Marley is a 'gamer'. Doesn't do well in class but usually does well in trials. Miss Kalea-Kate was great as well.

Kalea-Kate and I went to a fun run yesterday at the LRDTC. KK did phenomenal! We ran an Excellent level course and she rocked it. Ran it fast and clean. She blows my mind sometimes. I have been paying those contacts like crazy so hopefully she will do her contacts this weekend!

GENTLE SOUL

You often hear people refer to one of their dogs as their 'heart dog'. I have a heart dog in Molly and Missy and Kalea-Kate hold very special places in my heart. But Marley is different. She is my 'soul' dog. We have such a special relationship. I adopted her as a 10 week old puppy with an unknown background. She appeared healthy except for a wound to her head that thankfully did not penetrate her skull. A few years later, I found out that Marley was found in a ditch outside of a semi-truck mechanic shop. That explains alot. She is afraid of large men, semi truck motors, motorcycles, children, snarky dogs and the list goes on.


Marley and I have been through so much together. She has had so many illnesses and injuries in her short 5 years. Through Marley, I have had the privilege of visiting 2 vet schools in 2 different states for various illnesses. We have been to multiple vets and a few vet clinics. I could not even begin to count how many appointments we have had and don't dare to think of how much money I have spent.


 As I sit here writing, we are again in another holding pattern. Waiting to see what the mass on Marley's side is. Hoping for the best but trying to prepare myself if the news isn't good. She may have to have surgery to have the mass excised. Hoping we will know more tomorrow.


 I also have to prepare myself that this may put Marley into agility retirement. If this does end her career, I know that I have so many memories of us running together. She has amassed many titles in her short career but the titles don't mean alot. I honestly do not know how many Master JWW and Master Standard Q's we have. I don't keep track of her MACH points. Although I did look them up the other day when a friend and I were talking. People crack me up when they go on about it's a game, we do it for fun and then they whine about not Qing and can quote exactly how many MACH points they have.What does mean alot to me is we got to run together. We got to spend so much time together. I will forever cherish ever run I've had with her and I hope we get to have many more.


We went through alot during her early training and I had to make decisions about the best place for us to train and had to make a hard decision to leave one trainer for another. I found our agility home and I don't regret anything (except I wish I had left the old trainer sooner).


Marley is my 'soul dog'. I get her. She gets me. Even after everything we have been through, all the tears I've shed and everything else, I would still pick Marley. Knowing how much we would go through and all the heartache, I would still pick Marley. I'm a better person for having Marley in my life. I've said this before and will say it again. Marley has few people she trusts and lets into her heart. If you are lucky to be loved by Marley, you too will be a better person for knowing and loving Marley. My mom was one of those lucky people. Marley loved her Grandma and she loved her back.


As I look into Marley's gorgeous eyes, I feel so blessed to be her mom. Marley is my 'soul'.