BEAUTIFULLY BROKEN

The last few months have been very challenging for me. I have had so many obstacles to overcome and hurdles to jump, that it has been very tolling on me emotionally. Hazel and I had to cancel our beach service and honeymoon in October due to her being diagnosed with an ovarian tumor. Due to the severity and size of the tumor, she was not able to work and went on FMLA. Thankfully we found a great GYN who did the surgery. Hazel stayed in the hospital for a week. I stayed too, only leaving to go get my huge daily fountain Diet Coke….very important to me. J We were fortunate to have great nurses. I think I taught almost all of Hazel’s nurses. It was nice to see former students doing so well and giving great care. It made me feel like I had impacted others lives by teaching them. Hazel had a long recovery and will return to work this Friday. So grateful that she was able to keep our insurance while she was off because then I injured myself.

I threw my work bag over my shoulder into the backseat of my car and felt immediate pain in my shoulder. After steroid injections, NSAIDs, rest, and heat, nothing relieved the relentless pain. I worked every day in pain because I loved my patients and they depended on me. Some caregivers look so forward to seeing their nurse or aide not just for companionship but for reassurance that they are doing what is best for their loved one. I have found my calling in hospice and couldn’t just drop my patients.

I was sent for a MRI. The results sealed my fate about my patients. As much as I hated to stop taking care of them and working every day, I had to take care of myself. I suffered a complete tear of my right rotator cuff with a tear in the bicep tendon. The only treatment was surgery. The surgery needed to be done as soon as possible because the doctor could not keep my pain under control in order for me to maintain my daily life. It was hard to step away from hospice, but if I’m not healthy, then I can’t work and give my patients the care they deserve.

I had surgery Dec. 22. My first OT session was Christmas Eve. I made it through the OT session ok, but after I got home my pain and nausea went haywire. Poor Hazel, who was still recovering herself, had to try to manage the pain and nausea. She had to do my OT exercises while I cried through them due to the excruciating pain. Christmas morning was better and we went to her parent’s for Christmas. I lost track of several days during that time. I was just trying to do my OT, and keep the pain and nausea at bay.

 Plus, the holidays are hell for me. I miss my mom every day and the holidays make that pain worse. Time does not heal the pain and lose, it only makes it a little more bearable. I hate November and December. But I try hard to be cheerful during the holidays. But if I could, I would fast forward through the holidays. No matter what life throws at you, you have to find a way to muddle through. I rely on Hazel heavily for her positivity and her making me get up and do stuff. Even if it’s going to get me a fountain Diet Coke….I got up and did something.

I sit here now, after going to multiple doctor appointments and therapy sessions, and think there is a reason I am going what I am going through. I may not know the reason yet, but when it is time, the reason will be known. Until then, I’m ‘Beautifully Broken’.