MOTHERLESS

Another Mother's Day has come and went without my mom. Holidays are still very hard on me. I try to avoid Facebook so I don't see pictures of everyone with their mom, knowing I'll never be able to do that again. This is the first year I didn't go to my mom's FB page and post. I just couldn't do it. It's too hard.

People always say time heals. Time only makes the loss more bearable. If you haven't lost your mom, you have no idea of what the feeling is like. Knowing that I can never call her and hear her voice again. Not being able to tell her about my day. Not being able to share the highs and lows of my life. Sometimes I want to call her and tell her something about the girls and I can't. I want so much for her to see me now and share this part of my life with her. But it will never happen. I get so mad at myself because I can't remember the entire last conversation I had with her. I can only remember pieces. If I had only known that was the last time I would talk to her, I would have recorded her voice.

This week my mom will celebrate another birthday in heaven. While I know she's whole and happy, I'm left here to live without her and that breaks my heart. The tears flow easily at any memory of her. I find it hard to look at pictures of her or talk about her without crying.  Sometimes I think that avoiding talking about her is unfair to her but it's the only way I can cope with losing her. Recent events in my life have really tested my strength and I wish so bad I could talk to my mom about everything. But that wasn't how my life was laid out to live. There's a reason I was given this life. And I have to dig deep to find the strength to live it.