While it has not been a secret that I had shoulder surgery in December, I had chosen to be quiet about the circumstances that encircled my recovery. Writing is cathartic for me and it is my outlet for expressing myself. So it's time for me to let people know how 'the door closed' on me.
I had been working in hospice and loved it. I saw myself staying with hospice for the rest of my nursing career. It was very rewarding for me and I loved my patients. But my hospice career quickly unraveled when I got my shoulder diagnosis. A completely torn rotator cuff with a bicep tendon tear that required surgery and would put me out of commission for 12 weeks. Surgery happened the week of Christmas and I had originally volunteered to do Christmas call. But my health was more important to me. Apparently to my coworkers I ruined their Christmas. I guess they forgot I did Thanksgiving call too. But it didn't matter to them. They had the audacity to include me in a group text where they discussed how they would 'never burn' each other like I apparently was doing to them. Then the morning of surgery as I was walking into the hospital, one of the nurses sent me a text saying I had '@#@#@#' up their Christmas. These were my coworkers. People I had helped out. Switched up call and saw their patients when they couldn't get to them and I had the time. They were supposed to be my coworkers. And I had actually thought of them as friends. But clearly they weren't my friend.
Not one person from my previous job ever texted, called, or even sent me a FB message asking how I was. This includes my supervisor. My supervisor, who had even been in my home, never bothered to see if I lived or died. Not a word. Even when I had to send weekly updates as a condition of my leave of absence terms, she wouldn't even respond. The social workers and chaplain who boasted proudly in meetings at their profound ability to help and nurture others, also never lifted a finger to send a text. Complete radio silence. Needless to say, I took this very personally. It hurt that people you worked with on a daily basis, didn't even bother to see how you were after surgery. Everyday I would think surely one of them would call. But my phone never rang. It is mind blowing on how self centered adults in the healthcare world are. We work in a 'caring' environment, but I never saw that from my coworkers.
It was a hard pill to swallow. I thought I mattered to my coworkers. I thought we were a team. I thought we had each others backs.I thought I mattered. It took me a long time and a lot of Hazel telling me I needed to accept the reality of the situation before I could finally close the door on that chapter of my nursing career. It was added psychological pain to go along with the physical pain of my shoulder. It was just a painful time in my career.
Two people did check on me. The spouses of former patients. They cared
enough to check on me. Even though they were dealing with their own
issues, they took the time to call. So the time I spent in the field
doing hospice nursing did make a difference...to my patients. Maybe not
to my coworkers, but to my patients. And that is what truly matters.
