WHY DO THEY HAVE TO GET OLD?

Why do they have to get old? Both Molly and Missy are well into their senior years. Molly is 15 and Missy is 16.5. These two have been by my side through a lot of ups and downs. This post is about Molly.

Molly was my first dog I got as an adult. She has taught me so much about being a pet parent. I look back now and think of things I wish I had known or done differently. But I didn’t know and Molly lived my experience with me. She was a sickly puppy and we were in and out of vets offices the first two years of her life. I have often wondered if I had been more educated about dogs, maybe I would have used a different food or tried a different vet. Maybe she wouldn't have had to endure so much sickness. Molly also got to be my first dog that I trained. We did basic obedience and she hated it. We tried agility because she was so active. She liked it ok, however I loved it. I overlooked Molly’s happiness and pursued my hobby. I drug her along for the ride. When she didn’t want to do it, I would get so mad at her. I didn’t stop. I just kept pushing her and she responded my pushing back. She didn’t want to do it. Her very last agility run, I set her up at the start jump and told her to ‘jump’. She turned and ran off the course towards the exit. And just like that, her career was over. She had to be brutally obvious with me. She didn’t want to do it and she wasn’t going to anymore. I relented on the agility.

 After we moved into the country, I let Molly be what she always wanted to be. A free dog with lots of acreage and time to explore. She went out every night ‘on patrol’. I don’t know where she went or what she did but she always came home happy. Some nights she would be gone for hours and would return home hungry and ready for bed. The next day as soon as I would get home from work, she wanted back out to ‘patrol’.  On the really hot days, I would have to keep her in until the sun went down. To which she would repay me for the wait by staying out even longer. But Molly was happy. She was getting to be who she was.

Unfortunately time kept moving and Molly was the victim of a GSD attack on several occasions. I had to stop her ‘patrols’ before she was killed doing what she loved doing. It broke my heart to not let her be free but her safety was my top priority. Molly is still my side kick. She loves a car ride! Whether it is to the mailbox or a long afternoon running errands, she always wants to go. She gets so much pleasure hanging her head out the window and breathing in life. We have been together so much, that she can tell the days I’m off work and somehow knows she will get to go with me.

 I cherish every car ride we have together. I may have to help her in and out of the car, but she gets so excited to go that her aging little body doesn’t care. I may have to carry her across the parking lot into stores, but once she's inside, she's ready to explore.He favorite stores are Tractor Supply and Bass Pro Shop. I often take her to the bank for cash just so she can get a cookie, when I could have just used the ATM. The pharmacy is another one of her favorite stops.

Deafness may have robbed her hearing, but she doesn't let it stand in her way. We use a lot of hand signals with her and it works out well. Molly still has her bossy attitude. When she wants a piece of Pupperoni or more food, she will stand in front of the cabinet and bark in a way that means business! She loves to go outside every night and smell the air and bark. Then she will come back in and dig the carpet. After barking and digging all night, she will sleep all day. Just like me, a little night owl. 

I love every moment I have with her. I know one day a decision will have to be made and just the thought of that brings tears to my eyes. I don't know when that fateful day will come, but I pray it will be easy on her. I hope I have given her the life she deserved because she didn't deserve anything less. I know my heart will be fractured into a thousand pieces when she goes, but I know she will get to be with my mom and that makes me smile. My mom will get the see the 'black and white' again. And they will both be so happy to see each other again. 

WHY DO THEY HAVE TO GET OLD?

Why do they have to get old? Both Molly and Missy are well into their senior years. Molly is 15 and Missy is 16.5. These two have been by my side through a lot of ups and downs. This post is about Molly.

Molly was my first dog I got as an adult. She has taught me so much about being a pet parent. I look back now and think of things I wish I had known or done differently. But I didn’t know and Molly lived my experience with me. She was a sickly puppy and we were in and out of vets offices the first two years of her life. I have often wondered if I had been more educated about dogs, maybe I would have used a different food or tried a different vet. Maybe she wouldn't have had to endure so much sickness. Molly also got to be my first dog that I trained. We did basic obedience and she hated it. We tried agility because she was so active. She liked it ok, however I loved it. I overlooked Molly’s happiness and pursued my hobby. I drug her along for the ride. When she didn’t want to do it, I would get so mad at her. I didn’t stop. I just kept pushing her and she responded my pushing back. She didn’t want to do it. Her very last agility run, I set her up at the start jump and told her to ‘jump’. She turned and ran off the course towards the exit. And just like that, her career was over. She had to be brutally obvious with me. She didn’t want to do it and she wasn’t going to anymore. I relented on the agility.

 After we moved into the country, I let Molly be what she always wanted to be. A free dog with lots of acreage and time to explore. She went out every night ‘on patrol’. I don’t know where she went or what she did but she always came home happy. Some nights she would be gone for hours and would return home hungry and ready for bed. The next day as soon as I would get home from work, she wanted back out to ‘patrol’.  On the really hot days, I would have to keep her in until the sun went down. To which she would repay me for the wait by staying out even longer. But Molly was happy. She was getting to be who she was.

Unfortunately time kept moving and Molly was the victim of a GSD attack on several occasions. I had to stop her ‘patrols’ before she was killed doing what she loved doing. It broke my heart to not let her be free but her safety was my top priority. Molly is still my side kick. She loves a car ride! Whether it is to the mailbox or a long afternoon running errands, she always wants to go. She gets so much pleasure hanging her head out the window and breathing in life. We have been together so much, that she can tell the days I’m off work and somehow knows she will get to go with me.

 I cherish every car ride we have together. I may have to help her in and out of the car, but she gets so excited to go that her aging little body doesn’t care. I may have to carry her across the parking lot into stores, but once she's inside, she's ready to explore.He favorite stores are Tractor Supply and Bass Pro Shop. I often take her to the bank for cash just so she can get a cookie, when I could have just used the ATM. The pharmacy is another one of her favorite stops.

Deafness may have robbed her hearing, but she doesn't let it stand in her way. We use a lot of hand signals with her and it works out well. Molly still has her bossy attitude. When she wants a piece of Pupperoni or more food, she will stand in front of the cabinet and bark in a way that means business! She loves to go outside every night and smell the air and bark. Then she will come back in and dig the carpet. After barking and digging all night, she will sleep all day. Just like me, a little night owl. 

I love every moment I have with her. I know one day a decision will have to be made and just the thought of that brings tears to my eyes. I don't know when that fateful day will come, but I pray it will be easy on her. I hope I have given her the life she deserved because she didn't deserve anything less. I know my heart will be fractured into a thousand pieces when she goes, but I know she will get to be with my mom and that makes me smile. My mom will get the see the 'black and white' again. And they will both be so happy to see each other again. 

THE DOOR CLOSED

While it has not been a secret that I had shoulder surgery in December, I had chosen to be quiet about the circumstances that encircled my recovery. Writing is cathartic for me and it is my outlet for expressing myself. So it's time for me to let people know how 'the door closed' on me.

I had been working in hospice and loved it. I saw myself staying with hospice for the rest of my nursing career. It was very rewarding for me and I loved my patients. But my hospice career quickly unraveled when I got my shoulder diagnosis. A completely torn rotator cuff with a bicep tendon tear that required surgery and would put me out of commission for 12 weeks. Surgery happened the week of Christmas and I had originally volunteered to do Christmas call. But my health was more important to me. Apparently to my coworkers I ruined their Christmas. I guess they forgot I did Thanksgiving call too. But it didn't matter to them. They had the audacity to include me in a group text where they discussed how they would 'never burn' each other like I apparently was doing to them. Then the morning of surgery as I was walking into the hospital, one of the nurses sent me a text saying I had '@#@#@#' up their Christmas. These were my coworkers. People I had helped out. Switched up call and saw their patients when they couldn't get to them and I had the time. They were supposed to be my coworkers. And I had actually thought of them as friends. But clearly they weren't my friend.

Not one person from my previous job ever texted, called, or even sent me a FB message asking how I was. This includes my supervisor. My supervisor, who had even been in my home, never bothered to see if I lived or died. Not a word. Even when I had to send weekly updates as a condition of my leave of absence terms, she wouldn't even respond. The social workers and chaplain who boasted proudly in meetings at their profound ability to help and nurture others, also never lifted a finger to send a text. Complete radio silence. Needless to say, I took this very personally. It hurt that people you worked with on a daily basis, didn't even bother to see how you were after surgery. Everyday I would think surely one of them would call. But my phone never rang. It is mind blowing on how self centered adults in the healthcare world are. We work in a 'caring' environment, but I never saw that from my coworkers.

It was a hard pill to swallow. I thought I mattered to my coworkers. I thought we were a team. I thought we had each others backs.I thought I mattered. It took me a long time and a lot of Hazel telling me I needed to accept the reality of the situation before I could finally close the door on that chapter of my nursing career. It was added psychological pain to go along with the physical pain of my shoulder. It was just a painful time in my career.

Two people did check on me. The spouses of former patients. They cared enough to check on me. Even though they were dealing with their own issues, they took the time to call. So the time I spent in the field doing hospice nursing did make a difference...to my patients. Maybe not to my coworkers, but to my patients. And that is what truly matters.

GOAL TIME

June and July mark the only time of the year we make it to Springfield, MO for agility. I love the opportunity to run NADAC agility in the summer, on turf. I also like that we get to take the RV and camp out.

The June trial was good for us. But KK and I weren't in sync. She was having some bratty moments and I wasn't going to allow her to develop that pattern. So she got escorted off the course each time she decided not to listen. We actually left the trial early, forfeiting a few runs. KK and I just weren't working together and it was pointless to force it. So we packed up and went home.

July was a much better trial. KK and I were coming off an USDAA weekend where we had worked well together, so we were more in tune for this trial. KK ended up finishing 4 titles: Open Touch n Go, Open Weavers, Open Chances and Open Versatility. She's in all Elite now. So now I can see that NATCH in the horizon. I've already counted how many Q's we need...much to Hazel's advise against it. But once you get close, it's hard not to count. The big title will come in time. I just have to be patient and keep up our training.

 

VENUES

We have done a couple of agility trials this year. I managed to trial in 3 different venues, but have decided to only concentrate on 2. Hence, I've only set short term goals in both USDAA and NADAC. The one AKC trial we did reiterated my feelings on that venue. It's not for us right now. I'm not saying we won't be back, but I don't see it in our future anytime soon. I'm not happy at AKC trials and my feelings travel right down the leash to KK and she acts on it. It's not worth my money and even more importantly my emotional well being to compete in that venue. Agility is a fun hobby, but the fun for me is nonexistent at AKC trials.

We recently started doing NADAC trials. I have found it to be a very supportive, encouraging group of people. It is so nice to finish a run, good or bad, and people applaud or take the time to give you an encouraging word. After competing in a venue that is very competitive, it's nice to run agility without all the pressure. I have found it easier to work on KK's distance and independent skills. Some people may think NADAC is hokey, but let me tell you, that Chances is the real deal. Chances is some serious independent distance agility. And don't forget the obstacle discrimination that is thrown in too. I don't think I've ever yelled, "get out" or "walk, walk, walk" so much in my life.

As we have done more NADAC, KK has quickly rose up through the levels. That has caused me to feel pressure. As her Championship Title looms closer, I sometimes forget the fun of agility. I let the pressure of Q-ing determine how our weekend is going to go. I will go into a trial saying I need this many Q's,and then if something goes wrong, it frustrates me to no end. Hazel often has to remind me that agility is a game and to have fun. She does a great job of calming me down and helping me to refocus.

My favorite venue has always been USDAA. It makes you draw upon all of your skills to compete. Your dog has to be able to work on their own (Gamblers), you must have strategic skills (Snooker), and your dog must be able to run with another dog and both teams have to run clean (Pairs). Of course there is the self explanatory Jumpers and Standard, with its 'down' on the table. I love the versatility of USDAA.

There are the naysayers about USDAA. They complain about the jump heights, the fast course times, the height of the A frame, chute length, and the complaints go on. Here is my feeling about it. If you don't like the venue, then don't trial in it. Don't bash the venue because you don't like the rules or you don't have the skill set to compete.  It's not like AKC where you can just chip away at a MACH. In USDAA, you have to be at the top of your game. You need to be able to compete with the fastest and most precise agility dogs.

I read this somewhere and for me it says it all.
"What I love about USDAA and what distinguishes it, is that to EARN an ADCH is distinguishing yourself and your team...on specific days, you were among the best."

ADCH or NATCH. The titles may or may not happen, but we will keep playing the game in the venues we love. It's our hobby and we love the game!!

MOTHERLESS

Another Mother's Day has come and went without my mom. Holidays are still very hard on me. I try to avoid Facebook so I don't see pictures of everyone with their mom, knowing I'll never be able to do that again. This is the first year I didn't go to my mom's FB page and post. I just couldn't do it. It's too hard.

People always say time heals. Time only makes the loss more bearable. If you haven't lost your mom, you have no idea of what the feeling is like. Knowing that I can never call her and hear her voice again. Not being able to tell her about my day. Not being able to share the highs and lows of my life. Sometimes I want to call her and tell her something about the girls and I can't. I want so much for her to see me now and share this part of my life with her. But it will never happen. I get so mad at myself because I can't remember the entire last conversation I had with her. I can only remember pieces. If I had only known that was the last time I would talk to her, I would have recorded her voice.

This week my mom will celebrate another birthday in heaven. While I know she's whole and happy, I'm left here to live without her and that breaks my heart. The tears flow easily at any memory of her. I find it hard to look at pictures of her or talk about her without crying.  Sometimes I think that avoiding talking about her is unfair to her but it's the only way I can cope with losing her. Recent events in my life have really tested my strength and I wish so bad I could talk to my mom about everything. But that wasn't how my life was laid out to live. There's a reason I was given this life. And I have to dig deep to find the strength to live it.

6 TITLES AND A TUMBLE

We went to Terrell, Texas last weekend for a NADAC trial. We left the RV at home and stayed in a hotel. I forgot how much trouble it is to haul all your stuff into the hotel and then you have to get up early on Sunday to haul it all back to the car. I forgot to bring my Clorox wipes to clean the room, so then I was paranoid about touching anything. I hate having to check under the furniture for pills or dropped food before the girls can come into the room. I don't like leaving the girls in the hotel room while we go out to eat. I always worry about them, especially since Marley can open doors. So that means we have to haul a crate into the hotel too. Then you have to listen to people in the halls and in the rooms beside us. Ugh. I missed my clean, homey RV!!

KK had a great trial, going 9/11 Q's. She also earned 6 titles: Novice Chances, Novice Touch & Go, Novice Versatility, Open Jumpers, Elite Tunnelers and Elite Standard. KK dropped a bar in Novice Chances when I yelled her name as she was jumping. She also had a scary fall from the dogwalk on Sunday during Elite Standard. She was running well and doing her distance work. She exited the tunnel and started up the DW fast. She was nearing the descent and I was already saying 'easy' for her to hit her contacts when all of a sudden she was in the air and then she was on the ground in front of me. I was shocked as KK has never bailed or fallen before. After making sure she was not hurt, I put her back on the DW and she performed the DW flawlessly and finished the run. After reviewing the video, it is apparent she was blown off the DW by a gust of wind. You can see the fan blades speed up while KK was running. KK was undeterred and finished her Elite Standard Title the next run.

Marley got to run one run. She Q'd in her favorite event, tunnelers. Just the fact that I get to run with her again is priceless. I never thought it would happen, but it did. Even if Marley only runs a tunnelers run every so often, it doesn't matter. What does matter is I got to run with her again.You never know when your last run with your best friend will be, so cherish each and every run. I know I do.

MEMPHIS AKC

We went to Memphis last weekend and ran AKC agility. We haven't run agility since the first weekend in December. Since December, I have had shoulder surgery, dental surgery and had a part of a toenail removed. I had the toenail surgery just a week before the agility trial. Needless to say, KK hasn't had much practice. Just some jump grids and a few times over the contacts and of course Miss KK had to weave. She loves to weave!!

So I entered her in the trial with two goals. The first was to earn her Time to Beat Title and the other goal was to work on her distance work. We achieved both. She earned her Time to Beat on her first run with the second fastest time. During standard I had some handling errors and KK missed her entry on weaves during jumpers. The missed weave entry was surprising but I was late telling her where to go. On Sunday she added another T2B Q to her resume. Standard was just fun as she showed off that she's an immature 4 year old, but she did some great distance and discrimination work. She added another Master Jumpers Q on a fun, fast course.

Each day on each course, I set a goal or two for that course. Those goals didn't include Q-ing. My goals were to work on our distance and handling. My goals might have been to not go past a certain obstacle but to send KK on her own or the goal might have been to send her through a pinwheel on her own. The only way to push KK and myself is to try and see what we can do. And KK can do some pretty good distance work. We will continue working on our distance and hopefully everyone will stay healthy this spring!

2015 AGILITY YEAR IN REVIEW

A little late in posting, but here it is. We started our agility season at the February 4 PAWS trial in Holly Springs. KK was a good little girl, earning her Advanced Pairs Title and a Master Jumpers Q at 6.5 yps. We did a couple of AKC agility trials and she earned her Master Jumper Title and several other Q's.

We went to Shreveport USDAA in April and she was a little rock star. She went 7/8 Q's, winning Steeplechase and winning a Grand Prix bye. The judge was great and went out of his way to compliment KK. He asked me how old she was and said he thought she was young and that he liked my little dog. A simple compliment can really build you up. I think I held my head up a little higher and it felt like KK and I were becoming a real team that weekend.

The very next weekend we went to Garland, TX and once again KK proved her 3 year old little self. She went 6/9 Q's and earned 4 titles: Advanced Agility Dog, Advanced Standard, Advanced Snooker and Master Jumpers. She was a little girl on fire with almost all of her Q's were 1st places. It was at this trial that I started feeling sick. We chalked it up to the warm weather, but it wasn't going to be that simple.

Over Mother's Day weekend we did another USDAA trial and while she had a fairly good trial, I was under the weather and KK was also a little under the weather.

Towards the end of June we did a NADAC trial and KK was on fire! She went 11/12 Q's, all 1st places! And she finished 3 titles: Novice Standard, Novice Jumpers and Novice Tunnelers. We did an AKC trial in West Monroe at the end of the month. Jumper, FAST and T2B Q's.

July found us at Purina Farms for USDAA. I was very sick that weekend and we managed to lock ourselves out of our RV and were stuck outside until after 11PM the second night. Despite the odds, KK earned her first Master Snooker Q!! We also did another NADAC trial and once again KK was great.  She went 7/10 and earned her Novice Weavers and Open Tunnelers Titles.

August we did our last AKC trial. More Fast and T2B Q's. After this trial, I decided to not run AKC for awhile. We just don't have fun and I feel the pressure there. Too much negativity. As soon as we get there, I'm ready to leave and that doesn't make for a fun weekend. My time and money is better spent on other venues.

We did one last USDAA trial in Shreveport in September. I was still not well but KK managed Q's in Master Snooker and Jumpers.

Knowing my shoulder surgery was on the horizon, we decided to do one last NADAC trial in Terrell, TX. KK was her usual steady self, Qing 8/11 runs and earning her Open Standard Title and Outstanding Open Standard Title. She really enjoyed the freedom NADAC courses allow. I love letting her run like she can and believing in her. It was at this trial that I got to run Marley again after 2 1/2 years. She ran Novice Weavers (never again, says Marley) and Open Tunnelers. After not being in the ring for so long, and actually being a little spooky, she ran! And she Q'd in Tunnelers. There is no words to describe the feeling of getting to run Marley again.

2015 was a great year. Although there were many lows, the highs far out rank the lows. It was a great agility year. 12 titles and a GP bye!! Not bad for a 3y/o who competed just 7 months last year. My little champ!

RUN AS ONE

I knew I wouldn’t be able to run agility again until April so I convinced Hazel to go with me to Terrell, TX for the Run as One NADAC agility trial early in December. I’ve always heard great things about this club and the opportunity presented itself at the right time. I took a huge chance and entered Marley in 3 runs. Marley hasn’t run agility in about 2 ½ years. I had recently started doing some low jump grids, low A-frames and just some basic conditioning with her. I didn’t know what to expect from her.

The club members were so friendly and welcoming to us. It was their Christmas trial and they had it all decorated for Christmas. I, of course had to take the opportunity for some pictures! 

     

It was a long day before the 2 events I had entered Marley came up. I entered her in Novice Weavers….something I will never do again. It was apparent that Marley still hates to weave. She appeared to be confused on the start line. She hadn’t been on a start line in so long, she appeared almost overwhelmed. The run went ok. She tried on her weaves and we finished the course, but way over time. Then we ran Open Tunnelers. She was so happy! Running and bounding in true Marley fashion. No Q due to time but that doesn’t matter. She ran!

 Just the opportunity to run with Marley again is a feeling I can’t describe. I never thought it would happen. I dreamt and prayed about it, but to have that dream come to fruition is a feeling I can’t explain. I had many dreams for Marley in agility…big titles and ribbons. But my big dreams didn’t happen. But what did happen is I found my Soul Dog. She is me. Marley and I are connected like none of my other dogs. I love all my dogs, but there is just something about Marley. If you have been blessed to have met Marley and she has let you into her life, you can’t but help to love her. The precious tilt of her head, the way she lays her head on your knee, the way she ‘praises the Lord’, makes her Marley. And you can’t help but smile when you see Marley.

The next morning the first event was Tunnelers and Marley was on fire! She ran a happy and fun Open Tunnelers run and she Q’d/2. Just to see her so happy was worth everything we have endured. And we have endured a lot. I’m not sure of what I will do with Marley agility wise. She has a few Q’s left in AKC that I would like to finish, but I’m taking a break from AKC for a while. I’m planning on more NADAC trials because their trials are so positive and everyone is happy for everyone regardless of how their run went.

Not to leave her out, Miss Kalea-Kate was a little rock star. She Q’d 6/11 runs. A dropped bar in Jumpers and Chances…my fault. Note to self, don’t yell “Kate” as she’s jumping. It causes the bar to come down. She did her own thing during Touch n Go and Chances. I totally forgot the Weavers course, so she weaved a lot…! KK loved the opportunity to do her distance work. I am looking forward to running her more in NADAC and USDAA in 2016.

 Once I get healthy and everyone gets conditioned and back into some training, we will be on the road in the RV. I’m so looking forward to traveling and bonding with my girls and spending time with Hazel. I just have to be patient and let my body heal. Then I can Run As One with my girls.

BEAUTIFULLY BROKEN

The last few months have been very challenging for me. I have had so many obstacles to overcome and hurdles to jump, that it has been very tolling on me emotionally. Hazel and I had to cancel our beach service and honeymoon in October due to her being diagnosed with an ovarian tumor. Due to the severity and size of the tumor, she was not able to work and went on FMLA. Thankfully we found a great GYN who did the surgery. Hazel stayed in the hospital for a week. I stayed too, only leaving to go get my huge daily fountain Diet Coke….very important to me. J We were fortunate to have great nurses. I think I taught almost all of Hazel’s nurses. It was nice to see former students doing so well and giving great care. It made me feel like I had impacted others lives by teaching them. Hazel had a long recovery and will return to work this Friday. So grateful that she was able to keep our insurance while she was off because then I injured myself.

I threw my work bag over my shoulder into the backseat of my car and felt immediate pain in my shoulder. After steroid injections, NSAIDs, rest, and heat, nothing relieved the relentless pain. I worked every day in pain because I loved my patients and they depended on me. Some caregivers look so forward to seeing their nurse or aide not just for companionship but for reassurance that they are doing what is best for their loved one. I have found my calling in hospice and couldn’t just drop my patients.

I was sent for a MRI. The results sealed my fate about my patients. As much as I hated to stop taking care of them and working every day, I had to take care of myself. I suffered a complete tear of my right rotator cuff with a tear in the bicep tendon. The only treatment was surgery. The surgery needed to be done as soon as possible because the doctor could not keep my pain under control in order for me to maintain my daily life. It was hard to step away from hospice, but if I’m not healthy, then I can’t work and give my patients the care they deserve.

I had surgery Dec. 22. My first OT session was Christmas Eve. I made it through the OT session ok, but after I got home my pain and nausea went haywire. Poor Hazel, who was still recovering herself, had to try to manage the pain and nausea. She had to do my OT exercises while I cried through them due to the excruciating pain. Christmas morning was better and we went to her parent’s for Christmas. I lost track of several days during that time. I was just trying to do my OT, and keep the pain and nausea at bay.

 Plus, the holidays are hell for me. I miss my mom every day and the holidays make that pain worse. Time does not heal the pain and lose, it only makes it a little more bearable. I hate November and December. But I try hard to be cheerful during the holidays. But if I could, I would fast forward through the holidays. No matter what life throws at you, you have to find a way to muddle through. I rely on Hazel heavily for her positivity and her making me get up and do stuff. Even if it’s going to get me a fountain Diet Coke….I got up and did something.

I sit here now, after going to multiple doctor appointments and therapy sessions, and think there is a reason I am going what I am going through. I may not know the reason yet, but when it is time, the reason will be known. Until then, I’m ‘Beautifully Broken’.